So many thoughts today. So many emotions.
I have been offered a full-time job. Full-time. This is the second job that has literally fallen in my lap in as many months. I was not looking for this. I didn't even want this when I first heard about it.
Since hearing about it a few things have changed. Jason and I are looking at what are insurance costs are going to be starting in February. We were previously paying $949 a month just for premiums. We will be paying this again, and quite possibly will be paying much more. Who can afford that? On top of that, I have been put on stand-by four out of my last five shifts that I was scheduled to work. Not working equals no paycheck. Things are getting tight. I'm not going to lie. We're making it, but when the insurance costs sky-rocket in February---- I'm just not sure.
So, back to this job. I have been offered the Clinical Care Coordinator position for a hospice company that is opening a new branch here in town. This is a huge position! It sounds like it would fit me perfectly. Lots of paid time off (37 days/year) plus full benefits, salary, a black-berry with full cell service (I could cancel my cell phone), and very flexible hours. And I get to be in charge, doing what I love to do (and honestly- one of the things I do best).
So- the dilemma- my baby. For the last fourteen months I have been so blessed to only have to work 2-3 days per week. This has been ideal. Sort of the best of both worlds. Bryson loves spending time at Erin's, and I think the socialization is great for him. She will soon be starting a Christian curriculum. She is another blessing that fell in our lap at just the right time.
Even knowing all of these things- I cannot wrap my head around leaving him five days/week. What I really mean is I cannot wrap my heart around it. In my head I know that he would be perfectly fine. He will probably do better with it than I will. Kids are so resilient in that way. So why do I have so much guilt? The guilt of thinking that we could really make it. We would have to make some lifestyle changes- but we could do it. Then I am reminded that I am not cut out to be a full-time stay at home mom. God bless all of you who are- I'm just not. I wasn't given that personality. So, why can't I see the grace in that? God designed us all differently, for different purposes. I get that. So why can't I apply it? So hard when it's your own baby- your own heart walking around outside of your body. So tiny and vulnerable.
I have been praying. Praying hard. Praying for wisdom and discernment. Praying that I would know what God would have me to do. In searching, I came across these verses:
"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:3-8
Wow. So maybe I don't have to be with Bryson all the time. Maybe I should start remembering that God is in control- of me and of Bryson. Maybe I should start trusting. So hard when this is my baby!
God tells us in 1 Chronicles 28:9-10 that He is responsible for the results. I am just responsible for being faithful.
So here I am. On my knees. Praying for wisdom. Praying for faith. Praying for peace.
Trying to make this decision that may seem so obvious to everyone else...
