In-Utero Repair

Here is a youtube video about the first in-utero Spina Bifida repair at Texas Children's hospital (the one right before mine). It explains it all really well and I just wanted to share.

 This was essentially my medical team. They are all amazing and I am so thankful that we were in their care.

(To turn off the music so that you can hear the video scroll down to the bottom of the screen and hit the pause button.)

Words to Remember

We are planting a garden this year. Jason built it and Bryson has been helping throughout the entire process. When I asked him what he wanted to grow in our garden, his response was fast and serious, like he had been thinking about it for a while. Strawberries and muffins. That is what he is expecting to grow out of our dirt. AND he will tell this to anyone who asks him. Hope he isn't too disappointed!

This morning we were sitting on the couch and Bryson told me that he would like a cereal bar for breakfast. He told me which kind he wanted, and then said "Please!" So, as I got up to go get it for him he said "Thanks, Mom. I'm so proud of you!" Gotta love that kid!

Speechless

I recently read "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. It is a great read and really hit close to home for me. I think that I have a personality very similar to the author's, so it was nice for me to read about how she handled the devastating grief of losing a child. At the beginning of the book, Mary Beth reveals that she had asked God to show her the child she lost in a dream. She just wanted to see her. God did not give her that dream, but he did give it to a good friend of hers, Beth Moore. When Beth called to tell Marybeth about it she felt crazy, but Mary Beth knew exactly what was going on. God knew that Mary Beth was still too deeply wounded to be able to handle seeing her little girl again in that way, so He revealed that she was okay in a different way, and he revealed it in His timing.

All of this to say that today I had a close friend email me to say that she had a dream about Caroline last night. I immediately got goosebumps. She too felt crazy, but wanted to tell me about it.

These last few days have been really hard for me. Really hard. Sometimes the disappointments and unexpected blows are just too much to take. The story breaking of little Charlotte's birth was wonderful news, but also a sad reminder of the fact that we don't have our sweet girl here with us.

This friend of mine has also been thinking about this story and praying about it over the last couple of days. She said that she has just had a peace about it all, knowing that we made the right decision in having the surgery.

She said that she never remembers dreams, so it was really weird to wake up and remember this one. In the dream she could just see Caroline's ultrasound taking place. She said that she could tell how sick Caroline was.

I teared up immediately and was pretty much speechless. As a mom, you may know that there is something "wrong" with your baby, but when you see them squirming and kicking around in your belly, you often forget that. When I let myself I go to a place of deep sadness thinking about everything that we are missing out on by not having Caroline here with us, I don't often remind myself of the true condition her poor little body was in (and possibly worse off than we even knew).

This dream reminded me that God knew what he was doing. He doesn't make mistakes. While she was definitely one sick little girl, I know that right now at this very moment she is whole and healthy with the Creator himself.

It truly doesn't get much sweeter than that.

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of that tonight (and thank you, sweet friend, for sharing that with me).

She isn't missing.

"She isn't missing. We know where she is."

I am so thankful for these words that my friend Jenny spoke to me tonight.

This evening has been a little bit rough. The woman who had the very first in-utero surgery at Texas Children's Hospital (I was #2) delivered her baby yesterday. She was over five pounds and made it to 36 weeks. Her name is Charlotte which interestingly was one of our top two names for our sweet Caroline. Watching the story unfold on the news left me with tears of excitement and joy, but also left me feeling as if I had been punched in the gut. I can't help but think that that could be my baby lying there, all cuddled up. We could have had that outcome.

But, we didn't. God chose to heal Caroline in a different way. I will never understand all of this, but I know that I'm not supposed to right now.

One night a few weeks ago I read the book "Heaven is for Real." I was honestly a bit skeptical before reading it. This book has received so much hype and I am usually disappointed by these types of books. Not this time. "Heaven is for Real" gave me so much hope. Jason and I now know that when we get to Heaven, we will be greeted by two babies. One we have held in our arms and one we have not. I know it will be glorious. {don't worry- we are NOT rushing it!} We just know where we're going and where Caroline is, and we are so thankful for the peace that brings in this sad situation of this world {if you haven't read it- go. get. it. now.}.

 I am so thankful for the fetal surgical team at TCH and the strides they have made to lessen the effects of this devastating disease. They are performing miracles every day! It is truly amazing.

Please keep little Charlotte and her Mom in your prayers.

"My grace is all you need, for my power is strongest when you are weak."

2 Corinthians 12:9

Recycling

"This earth is God's and everything in it. We should live like we believe this."

Jen Hatmaker, "7"

I once heard someone on Oprah say that the United States accounts for 5% of the world's population, but contributes 60% of the trash. Wow! For some reason that has really stuck with me. We, the American people, live with means that most of the rest of the world can only dream about, and we are completely reckless in the amount of waste we produce. So, when we moved into this house and discovered that College Station had curbside recycling, we decided to take part in it. Easy enough. We bought a few trashcans, they provided the bags, and we did our part. Then we started being the trashiest people EVER. As you may  have read in an earlier post I had to STEAL my neighbors trashcan because the over-sized trashcan the city provides us wasn't cutting it anymore. I did some research and found Brazos Valley Recycling. They accept almost everything as far as recycling goes, and they have a drop-off site on campus. So, we bought a few more trashcans and have started recycling a lot more.
Here is what I dropped off today...

...and this is waiting on our curb to be picked up tomorrow by the city.

AND, when our trashcan went out this morning, it wasn't even half way full. Amazing! I just wanted to share this because I am happy with the change and think that it is important.

Off of my soapbox now...  :)

WE DID IT!!!

Today we reached our goal of raising $2,500 to give to the Spina Bifida Association in honor of Caroline {we are actually currently at $2,660!}! I cannot believe it- especially since we still have two weeks until the race. I am overjoyed- almost speechless. Thank you SO much to everyone who has supported us through these last several months {not only financially in this endeavor, but also emotionally}. We would not be where we are today without each of you and the roles you've played.

On another note- if you were going to donate but have not had a chance- please still do! You can donate on-line by clicking on the link on the right side of this page. Lets see how much money we can raise!

THANK YOU!!!!

Country Boy???

Last Thursday Bryson and I headed out to our sweet friends' house for a play date. Bryson LOVES horses, even though I don't think he has ever really been up close to one. He has an app on Jason's phone that he plays with {he bought a $30 horse before we knew what he was doing!}. He is now responsible for feeding and watering the horse, and taking care of it in general {ha!}. He loves that horse and was SO excited to see a real one. Poor baby, I think we need to get out more. :)

Anyways, after a quick trip to the ENT {where we got a great report on B's ears!}, we headed to the country. These friends have cows everywhere, chickens and roosters roaming the yard, and a horse named Humphry. It was beautiful and quiet and Bryson was mesmorized from the beginning. Of course he had to wear his cape, and it was really muddy so he sported his frog rain boots. He also had stickers from the doctor's office all over his pants. What can I say? He is a two-year old boy-- and I thought it was pretty cute!

 Humphry the Horse

 Bryson loved the oil rig. He said "Whoaa!" as he pointed to it and watched it go up and down and up and down. So funny. Again- we have got to get this kid out of the city more often!

 And who doesn't love to splash in puddles? These kids were having a blast!

Erin fixed a great lunch and then we let the kids play while we chatted. It was so relaxing and nice to stop and just enjoy these friendships.

Thanks, friends, for a GREAT morning! Bryson is still talking about it!

*Just in case anyone is wondering- Jason has since removed his credit card from his phone. There will be no more horse buying in Bryson's future!*

Old Friends

There is just something about an old friend...

Heather is that friend. We have been friends for a LONG time, and on Wednesday she decided to come for a visit!

 We spent the day chatting and ate lunch at a local deli. Even though there wasn't much on the agenda for the day, we both had a great time. It was so refreshing just to reconnect and spend some time together.

Heather brought a cape that she made for Bryson. He LOVES it and I seriously cannot get him to take it off! I will not let him sleep with it on (as I have convinced myself that it will probably choke him to death), but he does sleep with it held tightly in his little hand. Thanks, Heather, for this perfect gift!

 If you ask Bryson he will tell you that his cape makes him "run fast!"

And apparently, capes are fun for boys of all ages. Jason made me place my camera at least 5 feet from me before he put it on, but I did manage to get Bryson's reaction to his Daddy running through the living room like a super hero. Priceless!

Thanks so much for coming to visit, Heather! It was just what I needed. Can't wait to do it again!

Project: Garden

I have always wanted a garden. My PawPaw Shirley had one and I have such great memories of watering, digging, picking, and eating tomatoes right off the vine. Our yard has always been too shady, until our huge tree died last year. We were sad about the tree dying but have found a bright side in being able to plant a garden this year. I have had tomatoes and peppers in pots before, but that is about my extent of gardening experience. This should be interesting!

Jason was excited to get the supplies and build the frame. Bryson was also excited to stay in the way the whole time help him. The weather was bad so they actually cut all of the boards in our garage.

 When the weather finally cooperated we headed out to put it all together. It literally took Jason about five minutes to get it assembled!

 Now all we need is dirt!

Looking forward to lots of family fun in our new garden this summer!

After Two Months...

**WARNING! The order of this post is about as random as my thought process right now!***

Today would have made Caroline two months old. So much has happened in the last two months. It feels like an eternity and the blink of an eye all at the same time. We have traveled this road of grief and are still learning the way, with all of the twists and turns that it holds. We have been held up by an amazing support system of family and friends, and have been reminded over and over again of the importance of that network.

Today was actually the best day that I personally have had since my surgery. A sweet long-time friend came to spend the day with me. There is just something so incredibly comforting about old friends. The kind who have known you practically your whole life (and still love you anyways!). We spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing- other than gabbing away the hours. It was so good for my soul. I am thankful for this time of reconnecting with old friends and for the authentic transparency that I experienced today. Life isn't always pretty- but today I am reminded of the importance of sweet friendships. Thank you, Heather, for making the trip!

We also learned that Jason made his first commission in the month of January (I am one proud wife!). He is so excited and looking forward to all of the opportunities ahead of him. It makes me so happy to see him loving what he is doing. That is definitely huge!

We also sold our desk today. This is part of my de-clutter, simplify, and balance our lives project. I bought a bigger, more practical desk that will be more useful (and will stay much more organized). I listed our desk last night on Craig's List. I went to counseling at 5pm and forgot that someone was coming to look at it. When I got home B kept wanting me to go in my room. I finally followed him to find my desk missing! The guy came and bought it- giving our full asking price (which I was thinking was too much but wanted to have room to negotiate). Just another praise on our list.

Counseling went really well. I will go back in two weeks. It is exhausting but refreshing at the same time. I really like the counselor and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

We received $400 in donations for Team Caroline today! I have been nervous that we will not meet our goal, but today gave me hope in that. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you who are supporting us in this tangible way. It has been amazing to watch it all unfold!

Bryson is doing great! He wanted all of our chairs RIGHT next to each other at dinner tonight. He is rowdy and CrAzY most of the time. But tonight-- he had a sweet spell. He leaned over into my ear to tell me a secret (which he is really into right now) and said "I love you so much." Of course he is not the greatest at whispering so Jason heard it, too. Those were the best words I have ever heard.

I feel a little bit like I am bragging about all of the good things that today turned up. Really, I just want to note them, to write them down so that I can be reminded of all of the wonderful things this sad day held. It is funny how such opposite and raw emotions can be present at the same time.

Right now my biggest struggle is the "Why?" of it all. I am devouring books and seeking advice from people that I know have wisdom on this subject. I have randomly read book after book that all seemed to have been exactly what I needed to read at that exact moment. It is as if God has arranged my reading list. :)

So, when I think about my sweet Caroline today, I wonder what today would have been like if she were still here. I know that she would most definitely still be in the NICU at Texas Children's Hospital. She would be the equivalent of 32 weeks and they told us before surgery that if she did have to be delivered not to expect to take her home before her expected delivery date (Which was April 3rd!). I would still be pumping breast milk and dealing with all that entails (I will spare you the details) and we would be traveling back and forth to Houston. I may have actually been living there in the Ronald McDonald house.

We would still have our precious baby girl.

When I think of all of those things, but more importantly of the lifelong battle that our precious angel would have had to face, I am thankful for God's interference with OUR plans. I know that my baby is in Heaven, most likely being cuddled by my Grandma (definitely playing a game or two of Trouble), fishing with my PawPaw Shirley, or being completely spoiled rotten by my PawPaw Strawn. I know that I will be with her again one day, and that gives me a peace that is unexplainable.

For that, I am grateful beyond words.

Even with that peace, I still miss my sweet girl. I wonder what it would have been like to watch her grow up and to do all of the things Moms do with their daughters. I wonder what she would have looked like as a toddler, and even a teenager. I picture her here for every day activities like sitting around the dinner table. I am sad that Bryson will not know her in this life and feel like he missed out on this precious sister. Through these tears though, I have seen how faithful God has been to show us mercies all along the way. I trust Him with what is to come. I am hopeful and looking forward to seeing what He has in store for us, knowing that His plans are always for good.

I am so thankful for this joy that is sprouting up all around us. While I know that our struggles are not over, and that we will miss our Caroline until we are with her again, we are beginning heal. Tonight I will go to bed with a full heart...

Valentine's Day 2012

Happy Valentine's Day! I am so excited to share these pictures from our mini-session with the talented Mrs. Shannon Morton. She called it the "Sugar Rush" session. Bryson was definitely enjoying the cookies!

 Adding a lipstick kiss to his sweet little cheek...

 The hubs surprised me this morning with flowers and chocolate covered strawberries from The Farm Patch. De. Lic. Ious!

 Valentine's for Bryson's friends--

{I found the idea on pinterest and you can see it here.}

 Tonight we are going to our homechurch. Looking forward to spending Valentine's Day with sweet friends!

"7"

I finished this book a few weeks ago. I flew through it, actually, soaking up almost every word. So many things applied to us, well to me, actually. I just love the idea behind this project, and have applied a lot of it to our lives. My husband is tired of me going through his drawers. The other night I overheard him tell a friend "Our junk drawer isn't even junky anymore!"

The bottom line is we don't need so much stuff. There is so much more to living simply, with family and friends being the main priority. I could go on and on, but I will spare you my ramblings. I would definitely say though, that this is a MUST read! {Did I mention the author Jen Hatmaker lives in my hometown of Buda, TX?!}

Here is a glimpse of what you will find buried in the pages of "7":

"So yes, eating is still a starting player, but being in each other's homes cooking and sharing food together is delightful. Eating a meal in a restaurant is one thing, but friends padding around barefoot in your kitchen and chopping carrots for your soup and sipping their coffee on your deck is another creature altogether. This exits the expediency of consumerism and enters the realm of hospitality.

There is something so nourishing about sharing your living space with people where they see your junk mail pile and pee wee football schedule on the fridge and pile of shoes by the front door. Opening your home says, "You are welcome into my real life." This square footage is where we laugh and hold family meetings and make homemade corn dogs and work through meltdowns. Here is the railing our kids pulled out of the wall. This is the toilet paper we prefer. These are the pictures we frame, the books we're reading, the projects we're undertaking- the raw material of our family. It's unsanitized and truthful. We invite you into this intimate place, saturated with our family character.

Maybe this is why hospitality was big to the early church. Living life together in the sacred spaces of our homes is so unifying. When our Christian forerunners were persecuted and misunderstood, when belief in Jesus was dangerous and isolating, they had one another. They had dinner around the table. They had Sabbath together. They had soft places to fall when they traveled. Safe in the home of a fellow Christ follower, they could breathe, pray, rest. What a gift."

And one more thing...

"Love God most. Love your neighbor as yourself. This is everything.

If we say we love God, then we will care about the poor.

This earth is God's and everything in it. We should live like we believe this.

What we treasure reveals what we love.

Money and stuff have the power to ruin us.

Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with God. This is what is required."

Happy Valentine's Day!

Team Caroline Update

Hello Everyone!

We are quickly approaching the Armadillo Dash on March 4th. We have had an amazing response so far, and just want to make sure that everyone gets to participate who wants to. So, here are the details (once again!):

If you want to participate in the Armadillo Dash and be a part of Team Caroline, go to their website and sign up for either the 5k or the half marathon. Then email me with your shirt size. If you want a regular t-shirt The Ground Crew, LLC is donating them (thanks, Scott!), and if you would like a technical shirt we need you to pay the difference of $10. So- head over to their website and sign up if you haven't already!

The other way to participate is to donate money. If you want to do this you can make your check payable to the Spina Bifida Association and mail it to me at 3912 Latinne Lane, College Station, TX 77845. You can also donate via credit card on our Spina Bifida Association web page.

We have already raised $1,260 and are well on our way to our goal of $2,500! We want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has donated! Your donations will make a difference in the lives of those with Spina Bifida and we appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Now onto race weekend--- on Saturday night we will be at the Koppe Bridge restaurant on Hwy 30 from 6pm-9pm. This is a large, open, very casual restaurant (hamburgers) where you order your food and pay for it. The kids can run around. We were trying to think of a place where people can come and go. So, if you will be in town that night we would love to see you!

Sunday morning we would like to all meet before the race(s) to get a group picture. More details to come on that...

Whew! I think I covered everything! The main thing is to let me know by FRIDAY if you are going to participate in the race. I am turning in the shirt order on Monday morning.

Again, we are so thankful for each of you and for the support you have provided throughout the last several months. We are so blessed and are looking forward to spending the weekend with you, honoring our precious girl!

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Have a blessed week!

Tubes {Round 2}

On January 16th Bryson woke up with blood all in the bed and in his right ear. A quick trip to the urgent care clinic revealed a busted ear drum and an ear infection. He was started on antibiotics and we were sent home. Later that week we followed up with our pediatrician. She said that ear was so full of blood and other gunk that she couldn't visualize the eardrum at all. She recommended that we wait a few weeks and then follow up with the ENT.

We went to see Dr. Simon at Scott and White about ten days later. He gave the same report that our pediatrician did. We were sent home and told to put peroxide drops in Bryson's ear twice daily for a week and then come back. The peroxide was supposed to break up all the blood so that the ENT could see the eardrum.

Fast forward another ten days and the blood had not budged.

We were taken into a procedure room where three of us held Bryson down while the doctor tried to pull the blood out. He could not get it and my poor baby screamed so hard that he busted little blood vessels in his little face. It was horrible! The little dots in this picture are not freckles! They are bruises! :(

 

 Since he couldn't get it out and still couldn't see what was going on with the eardrum, he recommended surgery.

So, we had an appointment with the operating room today. It was probably great timing because Bryson started running a temperature of 101.5 degrees last night! The ear infections were continuing so we definitely feel like we made the right decision with surgery. The doctor said that the blood was coming from inside of his eardrum and slowly building up. The clot was huge! The doctor seemed to be in shock at the size of it, and so were we. Poor baby- I can't imagine having that stuck in my ear all this time!

Anyways, the doctor gave us the blood clot and the tubes {he replaced them both}. Sort of a weird keepsake but I definitely wanted to take a picture of one of the tubes before chunking them in the trash {the container that they came home in does not. smell. good.}.

  Bryson was a trooper! He woke up happy after surgery and took a nap at his regular nap time. We have been giving him Motrin regularly but he has not had any fever.

 Grandma's glasses...

We are so thankful to have this surgery behind us! Looking forward to having a happy, healthy boy!

Words to Remember

Last night when I was getting Bryson out of the bathtub he pretended to bite me. Here is how the conversation went:
Bryson: "I don't bite."
Me: "That's right, we don't bite. That's not nice."
Bryson: "I don't hit Daddy, either." {shaking his head from side to side}
Me: "That's right. What happens when you hit Daddy?"
Bryson: {with a really straight face} "He cries really hard."

Bryson to Spider Man {also in the tub}:
"Now you sit right there like a big boy. Don't move and I'll be right back. Okay?"

When I was tucking Bryson into bed I told him that I loved him and that Daddy loved him. Then I threw in "Jesus loves you." He promptly replied in his best singing voice "This I know. For the Bible tells me so..." And I sat there while he sang. The. Whole. Song. Melted my heart!

Jason just left to go running. He is trying to get in shape to run in the 5k for Team Caroline. He has been sick and hasn't run in a while. Last words out the door: "If I'm not back in 30 minutes call EMS." And the clock is ticking...

Clearing the Clutter

Confession #1,243:  Today I went into my neighbor's backyard, took his trashcan, filled it with our trash, set it out to be dumped by Mr. Trashman, then hauled it back into his yard.

I did put a nice note on his front door, explaining that we were extra trashy this week as I have been cleaning my entire house, and thanked him for letting me use his {completely EMPTY} trashcan. Who has an EMPTY trashcan {that is a whole other blog post, though}??? Anyways, the trash was dumped with the trashcan back in his backyard and note removed from said front door before he even got home. I feel like some sort of top secret ninja who completed a very special assignment today. At least I accomplished something. :)  {We will see what the therapist says about that!}

Anyways, the whole point of me outing myself is to document what has been going on in the Ruple house for the past few weeks. I have had the incredible urge to get. rid. of. things. Things that have been in closets for the past four years without being touched. Things that are never used. Things that we simply do. not. need.

I have been purging and it has felt good. One of my best friends {who also happens to be a Licensed Counselor} says that after going through something like we have been through I should wait at least 6 months to actually get rid of any of the "things" that are now piled to the ceiling in my garage. Ain't happening here! {Sorry, Jen!} I am organizing and getting rid of the excess. I mean really- who really NEEDS nine 9"x13" casserole dishes? I guess I have been holding out in case everyone we know decides to come over for dinner at the same time. And blankets? We have WAY too many that are trying desperately to escape the hall closet. It is a miracle that door closes at all.

So, it is all going. Need versus want. Use verses sitting in a space for way too long.

This has been good for me in so many ways. It has given me something to do with my hands while my mind tries to start the journey of dealing with everything that just unfolded in our lives. It has given my house a fresh and clean feeling. It has really made me realize how much we have, and how we NEED nothing. It will hopefully bless others as we give items specifically where we know they are needed, and it will earn us a little bit of extra cash if we can sell the rest in a garage sale.

Perspective is a beautiful thing. A thing I need reminding of so often.

By chance I have run across this book several times in the last few weeks.

I purchased it at Sam's and almost can't put it down. It is an extreme experiment with some amazing life applications. It seems so unrelated to my circumstances, but God is using it to teach me so much.

Last night I read this:

"Our stories affect one another whether we know it or not. Sometimes obedience isn't for us at all, but for another. We don't know how God holds the kingdom in balance or why He moves a chess piece at a crucial time; we might never see the results of his sovereignty. But we can trust Him when He says press on, cling to hope, stay the course. He is always at work, even if the entire thread is hidden. I might just be one shade of one color of one strand, but I'm part of an elaborate tapestry that goes beyond my perception."

Then this:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Hebrews 12:1-3

Pretty powerful stuff. I am amazed over and over again to see God working through all of this ugliness. But more than amazed, I am humbled and so thankful.