Speechless

I recently read "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. It is a great read and really hit close to home for me. I think that I have a personality very similar to the author's, so it was nice for me to read about how she handled the devastating grief of losing a child. At the beginning of the book, Mary Beth reveals that she had asked God to show her the child she lost in a dream. She just wanted to see her. God did not give her that dream, but he did give it to a good friend of hers, Beth Moore. When Beth called to tell Marybeth about it she felt crazy, but Mary Beth knew exactly what was going on. God knew that Mary Beth was still too deeply wounded to be able to handle seeing her little girl again in that way, so He revealed that she was okay in a different way, and he revealed it in His timing.

All of this to say that today I had a close friend email me to say that she had a dream about Caroline last night. I immediately got goosebumps. She too felt crazy, but wanted to tell me about it.

These last few days have been really hard for me. Really hard. Sometimes the disappointments and unexpected blows are just too much to take. The story breaking of little Charlotte's birth was wonderful news, but also a sad reminder of the fact that we don't have our sweet girl here with us.

This friend of mine has also been thinking about this story and praying about it over the last couple of days. She said that she has just had a peace about it all, knowing that we made the right decision in having the surgery.

She said that she never remembers dreams, so it was really weird to wake up and remember this one. In the dream she could just see Caroline's ultrasound taking place. She said that she could tell how sick Caroline was.

I teared up immediately and was pretty much speechless. As a mom, you may know that there is something "wrong" with your baby, but when you see them squirming and kicking around in your belly, you often forget that. When I let myself I go to a place of deep sadness thinking about everything that we are missing out on by not having Caroline here with us, I don't often remind myself of the true condition her poor little body was in (and possibly worse off than we even knew).

This dream reminded me that God knew what he was doing. He doesn't make mistakes. While she was definitely one sick little girl, I know that right now at this very moment she is whole and healthy with the Creator himself.

It truly doesn't get much sweeter than that.

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of that tonight (and thank you, sweet friend, for sharing that with me).