Valentine's Day {sneak peak}

We started our Saturday off with a Valentine's Day mini session with the talented Mrs. Shannon Morton. We were only there for about ten minutes- but I think she got some really cute shots! She did this for FREE to show her appreciation for all of her clients from 2011. Doesn't get much better than that!

I snapped this picture of B when we got home. Can't wait to see what Shannon comes up with! Happy {early} Valentine's Day!

January 28.

Today we enjoyed a sweet day with family full of beautiful sunshine and lots of playing outside. It was so nice to just relax at home with nowhere that we actually had to be.

For me, it was bittersweet. Today, January 28th, is the day that I was due to have the baby that we lost last May. I can't help but wonder if that baby was a boy or a girl, and what things would have looked like if that pregnancy had gone along as {we had} planned. I would have more than likely had a c-section about a week ago, and we would probably be at home with a newborn right now. I cannot even imagine it. We would have never gotten pregnant with Caroline, or gotten to meet her, hold her, or tell her how much we loved her. Bitter and sweet.

As these days pass I find myself feeling a little bit better physically every day. I still have ups and downs as far as emotions go, which I expect may last for a long time. Today I feel like I am making it. Some days, I don't.

I still have so much processing in my mind ALL. OF. THE. TIME.

Maybe it is because I am a woman. My brain was never really good at shutting off even before all of this happened. But now I replay conversations in my head. Replay decisions that we made. Replay the events and how they have evolved over the last 2 1/2 months. I am easily transported back to the moment I woke up and realized that there was a "complication" as they called it during surgery, and that Caroline was no longer nestled safely in my belly. Somehow I knew what was to come.

So much going on in this head of mine. I saw a sweet friend the other day who has also suffered loss recently, and she described it as "Swimmy Head." Sounds kind of funny but it describes me perfectly right now.

I'm just trying to work my way through it all. Some days I do better than others.

I am starting counseling this week and looking forward to it. The lady that I will be seeing sounded a lot like Cheryl Free on the phone, and anyone that knows me very well knows that I love me some Cheryl Free. I really hope that this lady is as kind as Cheryl and will be a refuge and support. I am ready to take some steps forward, and think that this could help tremendously.

I found the picture that I posted at the beginning of this post on this blog. Since losing this first baby, and then Caroline, I have a whole new perspective on Heaven. I will be greeted by my sweet angels and can't imagine a better homecoming than that.

Thank you for your continued prayers, cards, and amazing support. We are so blessed to be surrounded by the people God has placed in our lives (check out our sweet friend's blog post about her five year old praying for us- truly melts my heart). Blessed, blessed, blessed!

On another note, we are getting really excited about our Team Caroline event! The shirts have been designed and everything is working out perfectly so far {other than me actually exercising to get ready for it!}. We would love for you to get involved if you haven't already. We can't wait to see everyone in March!

Our little rock star...

Okay- so maybe not so much of a rock star as a cute two year old with a guitar. Granny and Grandpa got this guitar for B for Christmas and he loves it. I recorded him doing it one time, and now he thinks I have to do it every single time! He is such a ham! Jason was recording here, and I was standing next to him with the camera. If you listen closely you can hear Bryson tell me to take his picture!

We've created a monster!

Enjoy...

(Scroll down to the bottom of the screen and press the "pause" button to stop the music in order to hear the video.)

Words to Remember

We had a great day today. Grandma was here. We went to Target and Bryson got a little bug like his friend Owen has. He was so excited and has not put it down. He napped with it and it is currently sleeping in his bed with him.

After he woke up from his nap we went to get a haircut. He was. not. happy.

Like any good Mom I bribed him with ice cream from McDonalds as a reward for good behavior at the hair dresser's. He did great- but I must say, I was a little sad to see his hair go. I will admit that it has been out of control a little bit too long for a while now, but I like it a little bit longer. His Daddy loves it short- and it was time- so we did it. I almost didn't recognize him! He looks so much more grown up.   :(

Anyways, tonight Jason was giving Bryson a bath and Bryson started crying. He was practically screaming and really upset. I rushed in there to see what was wrong {Jason couldn't understand him}. He said

"Daddy washed my haircut!"

He was furious! Jason and I couldn't help but laugh, and then I finally got him to calm down and let Jason wash the soap out of his hair. This kid keeps us laughing, no doubt about that. I love that little man!

Before {notice his bug in front of him on the floor}:

After:



A Noteworthy Ruple Record

I want to take just a minute to brag on my boy. You see, this child of mine, he likes to wake up early. Not just early, but extremely early. This is not fun for this night owl momma. Bryson is up before 6:15am 99% of the time, and about half of the time it is in the 5am hour. No matter what time we put him to bed. EVERY DAY. There is no need for alarms in this house. Our alarm is in the form of a very energetic two-year old.

So, imagine my surprise this morning when I woke up and the sun was shining. All was quiet in the house. I rolled over and looked at the clock and almost choked. 9AM! I couldn't believe it and almost hurt myself running into Bryson's room to make sure he was breathing. When I opened the door he sat up and smiled at me. Sweet boy was ready for the day!

Imagine the praise he got for sleeping that late. We could definitely get used to this! Hoping that it wasn't a fluke...

***

On another note-- here is what I caught my boys doing tonight. Yes, that is my two-year old pulling his Daddy with a rope tied between the tricycle and the plasma car. What have I gotten myself into?!?!

Welcome Home Halle!

When we first received the Spina Bifida diagnosis my sweet friends, who know me oh so well, said that they were coming to get Halle. They KNEW that this dog, although I love her dearly, drives me insane! She snores LOUDLY all of the time on the couch. Her paws are loud on the wood, and it seems like she waits until the exact moment I fall asleep to get up and roam around the house. She leaves a trail of dog hair {and God knows what else!} everywhere she goes! I don't know what it was- but when I had Bryson something in me clicked. This dog was no longer my child and I couldn't take it anymore! {can I blame the hormones??}

So anyways, the Browns came and took her to their house for an indefinite amount of time. Greatest friends ever. We have lots of those. :)

Last week we decided it was time to get Halle back. I was actually ready for her to be home. Bryson missed her. We needed that sense of normalcy back in our daily routine. After all, she is part of this family too.

Bryson was thrilled to have his "Halle Girl" home again.

 She came back about 10 pounds lighter. We are now calling it "Brown Bootcamp." She immediately returned to her lookout perch/favorite sleep spot and it were as if she was never gone.

Happy to have her home!

{and thank you, Browns!}

Visitors, Christmas {in January}, & More Visitors

January has been a bit of a crazy month around the Ruple house. We have had so many visitors. It is a nice change to have friends/family here to help out and hang out, not just because of horrible circumstances where we NEED them here. Not sure if that made sense- but we've been enjoying it!

Aunt Amy came for a visit...

...and so did "Uncle Wull." (aka Uncle Will)

 Jason's parents came and we exchanged Christmas gifts since we didn't get to do it in December. Of course Bryson was in Heaven!

 He always loves Granny's pillow like this- and now he finally has his own! He sleeps with it every night!

 And who doesn't need frog rain boots? They are adorable. Unfortunately he wants to wear them all. the. time. Unfortunately this is not a battle I am willing to fight most days. Just be aware...

 For the grandparents on both sides we made them a sort of photo collage of their last name. I cut out the letters using thick poster board and then had each kid hold up a letter. I love the way they turned out!

For my mom and dad's we had to get a little bit creative. Bryson is the only grandchild at this point. So I had each couple hold a letter, Bryson held one (with Caroline's sonogram picture taped to it- BOTH grand kids!), and then we had to include my parents and the dog. Luckily my parents still had no idea what we were doing. They were completely surprised and loved it!

And last but not least Tahrea came and spent the day with me yesterday. We have been friends for a LONG time- like since I was in 7th grade long time. The real, stick with each other through thick and thin kind of friends. It was so great to get to spend time just talking and enjoying each other's company.

Slowly but surely I feel like we are getting back to what is going to be our new normal. I can't believe five weeks have passed since I had surgery and since I was holding my precious baby. I'm still just trusting in the fact that even though I don't understand any of this, God does. He is holding me and has a plan. So thankful just for the knowledge and realness of that.

Happy Friday!

Family Photo Shoot {2011}

Funny how things happen. We usually take family pictures every year before Christmas. This serves two purposes. 1) We have current pictures for Christmas cards. 2) We have current pictures! With a growing/changing family this is really important to me. This year I had decided against family pictures. I wanted to use a picture that I snapped of Bryson for our cards and wait until Caroline arrived to do her newborn and family photos all at once (in March).

When we received the Spina Bifida diagnosis everything about our lives changed. Soon after that I was scrolling through face book one night (avoiding sleeping) and saw some pictures that the lovely Mrs. Shannon Morton had taken of some sweet friends of ours. It hit me! We had to take pictures- and I wanted them taken before Caroline arrived. Sort of like our last family photo as a family of three. For some reason this became very important to me.

I notified Shannon, telling her my story. I prayed and crossed my fingers that she would be able to fit us in- we didn't give her any notice at all!

She was amazing and really worked to make sure this happened for us. One day we were scheduled and had to reschedule due to freezing rain. We finally were set to take pictures the Saturday before I had surgery. I was so panicked trying to get everything done before heading to the hospital that the pictures were on the bottom of my priority list. My brain was all over the place. We didn't have anything to wear. Nothing matched. Nothing was right!

I almost cancelled three times in the two days before the pictures. I even told Jason once that I was about to call Shannon and cancel!

Well, THANK GOD I didn't cancel. I am wearing a shirt that isn't even maternity and Bryson's torso was too long for his shirt- causing it to stay untucked for most of the session.

But--- I love these pictures.

Caroline was there. We were actually a family of four. The pictures were easy. Shannon was great. Here are a few of my favorites...



happy MLK day!

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

Here we go again...

I was just telling a friend how great Bryson has done since having tubes put in his ears last May. I bragged that we haven't even been to the doctor since then! That was definitely some sort of record for us! Said bragging took place on Friday. And notice I said that WAS a record for us...

Saturday night Bryson was a little bit fussy. No fever. Just fussy. I honestly blamed it on the Terrible Two's. That night, at about 4:45am (early Saturday morning) B started screaming and crying. I ran into his room. By the time I got in there he had stopped crying. He was still kind of asleep but partially awake, lying sideways on his bed. I went to move him back to the top of the bed onto his pillow when I felt something wet on the bed. I just thought it was drool or something (don't judge- it was 4am!).

I laid with him for a while. He was tossing and turning so I finally made him some milk. He drank it and went back to sleep.

When he woke up that morning his ear was full of dried blood and there was blood all over the bed. So what I was feeling at 4am was actually blood.

We took him into urgent care. I knew what the outcome would probably be.

The verdict was in. His right ear has a horrible infection and had ruptured during the night. The tube is completely gone. The left ear still has a tube but it is working its way out of the ear drum and is no longer functioning to allow fluid through (the eardrum is already closed up behind it).

A prescription for antibiotics and we were out of there! Bryson had a wonderful time. He has since told everyone about going to the doctor and has asked me several times to go back. Crazy kid!

The silver lining is that he has acted find the whole time. We were remembering the days when ear infections meant 104-105 degree temperatures and a sick, sick baby. We do not miss those days one bit.

We will follow up with the pediatrician in a few weeks to see if the infection has cleared. Looks like we may be heading for round two of tubes (especially if the right tube just fell out and he already has an infection!). We are definitely refusing to ride this roller coaster for as long as we did last time...

After One Month...

Yesterday would have marked the day that Caroline turned one month old. It seems like the last month has passed in the blink of an eye, yet has also lasted an eternity. I have been reading a book on hope for the grieving, and it has been really good. I have so much to share that is just fluttering around inside of my head right now. I have sat down several times to write about things, about how I feel about all that has gone, but the words just won't come. I am still at a point where I can't put it all together. I am trying to make sense of it all. Don't get me wrong. To me, this will never make sense. I don't understand it and I won't pretend to. But, I am working through it. I am working through the emotions and the questions in my head. I can only think about it for a little while at a time, and then have to try to turn my mind to something else.

Time.

This is just one of those things that is going to take time. I have to actually feel my way through this and I have never been one for sitting around and waiting on anything. This is all very new to me. One of the things that has really caught me by surprise is how tired I am all of the time. I have recently been reading that grief takes a huge physical toll and requires a lot of rest. As a nurse I have always known this- but now I really know it. So, I am recovering from major surgery and at the same time trying to sort through my daughter's death and the circumstances that lead up to it.

Time.

Lots of time and love. That's what it's going to take.

Speaking of love- we have amazing people surrounding us who love us on the good days and the bad days. For that, I will be forever grateful. I feel like I have said that 1800 times, but I've meant it every. single. time. We would not be healing like we are without the love and support that we have been shown. In that, we are so truly blessed.

So, as I sit here trying to wrangle all of these thoughts in my head, there are a few things I do know.

I know that we miss our Caroline deeply. That she touched us in a way that only a child can and that she will forever be a part of our family.

I know that all things pointed towards having surgery, and that God's hand was involved in every step of our journey (and believe me I WILL be talking to him about that one day!).

I know that we are loved and blessed beyond measure with the family and friends who have held us up over these last several months.

So, we are slowly but surely making some progress. We still have good days and bad. I am still working on actually feeling my way through the grief instead of checking it off of my to-do list like I do most things in life. God is showing me so much through this.

Although I can't make sense of it all, I have a strange peace in the fact that I know I don't have to understand it all. I know that God has got me through all of this, holding tightly, even when I don't know what to say to Him. This is a place I never even knew existed. Although I wish I was still in that state of blissful ignorance, I am so thankful for a God who has it all under control.

I'm thankful for this peace that I have, that only He can give. I have met several people along this journey who really do not get that.

We know that we will see our little girl again one day.

We are so thankful for the promise that we have in that.

Team Caroline

I have some exciting news! We are raising funds for the Spina Bifida Association in honor and memory of our sweet Caroline.

In order to do this, we are participating in the Armadillo Dash in College Station on Sunday, March 4th. There is a 5k and a half marathon that anyone can compete in (I will be WALKING the 5k!). We will be Team Caroline, proudly sporting shirts that The Ground Crew, LLC has graciously offered to provide. To sign up to participate in one of the races, please visit this website. There is a small fee to sign up, and this money will help local children's charities. We will be raising money above and beyond that.

So, there are two ways to get involved: participate and/or donate! Several people have already committed to participating and will be asking friends/family to sponsor their participation with donations. If you can't make it to the event but would still like to participate, please consider sending a donation in Caroline's honor.

All donations can be sent to me (3912 Latinne Lane, College Station, TX 77845) and checks can be made out to the Spina Bifida Association. You can find their website here.

Our goal is to raise $2500 (with hopes of blowing past this number!). This money will help raise awareness and hopefully prevent future cases of spina bifida. It will also go towards helping people currently living in the United States with this devastating disease. If we can help just one family to avoid having to go through what we went through, it will all be worth it.

Please join our cause and support Team Caroline!

We are so thankful for each of you and looking forward to seeing what we can do!

Courtney and Jason

**We are hoping to have a BIG team on race day! Please let me know if you plan to participate and what size shirt(s) you will need so that we can get them ordered ASAP!

**Please also feel free to spread the word by passing this information on to your friends/family! We can't wait to see what we can do and the impact that we can make!

Living Intentionally

I wandered over to this blog and found this:

I love it! I think I might print it out and post it somewhere where I will see it all the time. Such a great reminder of the importance of living intentionally and making the most of 2012. 

This verse has really been on my heart lately. It was read at Caroline's service and I think it sums up where we are right now, at the start of this new year.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

New Year = Fresh Clean Slate

What will you do with it?

Hello 2012...