Thoughts for Thursday

Bryson made this in Sunday School earlier this week. Just thought it was a good reminder and wanted to share!

.Gardening Adventure Update.

We are loving the garden! Here are a few pictures that I took about 10 days after the last pictures that I posted. We have had so much rain that everything is exploding!

Did you know asparagus plants have flowers?

 Broccoli

 Lettuce

 Our very first cherry tomato of the season!

So far, so good!



Watch Out Worms!

One of Bryson's new favorite pastimes is collecting worms.

He LOVES them (and anything else that crawls, really).

Such a boy!

Searching the flowerbed with Daddy...

 He also loves to chase us with them!

 We have loved being able to sit outside and watch him dig up worms.

Looking forward to a long lazy summer full of lots of critters...

CrAzY Couponer?

Is "Couponer" even a word? I'm not so sure...

A few weeks ago my friend Heather came for a visit and was talking about all the great deals she had recently gotten by using coupons. I was amazed by what she was telling me. Who doesn't love to save money?

So, she taught me the tricks of the trade (which I am still learning) and I have been putting my skills into practice.

And no, I am not stockpiling our house with random things that we do not need. I am only buying things that I know we will use. I also LOVE the thrill of getting something for nothing. It is so much fun!

Here are two of my latest purchases:

I got all of this for $4.50 from CVS.

This cost a grand total of $6.35.

After showing all of this to my husband (who wasn't nearly as excited as I was)- his response?

"You're going to blog about this, aren't you?"

Loving it!  :)

Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease

Friday night (3/16/12) Bryson started saying that his mouth hurt (of course he gets sick when Jason is out of town!). He would not eat dinner and even woke up in the night crying, again saying that his mouth hurt. I couldn't see anything, so Mom and I decided to take him to Urgent Care the next morning. I did not want to wait until Saturday afternoon and end up in the ER if something was really wrong.

The doctor couldn't really see anything either, but said it could be the beginning of Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease. He said we should know pretty quickly.

That afternoon this blister popped up on his lower lip. Poor baby! It ended up getting much worse before it got better.

On Sunday night he finally let me look in his mouth and I could see ulcers all over the back of his throat including the roof of his mouth, and on his tonsils. I took him back in to see the pediatrician Monday morning just to make sure it wasn't strep. She said it was definitely Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease. Fortunately he didn't have blisters anywhere else and started eating again on Monday. We have friends who have had it so much worse! We are thankful that Bryson only had a mild case and that it didn't bother him for very long.

One of my favorites...

Warm Spring nights are for...

pedaling really fast and then flying with your feet out!

Friday, Friends & Beautiful Weather

Jason went to his annual golf tournament in Bracketville March 15th-18th. B and I hung out at home, and Grandma also came to play. That Friday we decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and have a fast food picnic at the park with our friends (thanks to Kristin for the great idea!).

Of course Bryson wanted McDonalds. So, he got a Happy Meal and me and Grandma enjoyed some Must Be Heaven. We love the park by our house. It has so much to offer including covered picnic tables, lots of space to run, swings, a huge play scape, and Bryson's newest discovery- a bridge over a little creek with fish in it.

Here are a few the pictures from our afternoon:

And they're off!

Don't forget Annabel!

Bryson showing them the fish. Eventually they ended up feeding the fish their leftover chicken nuggets and french fries.

Sweet Friends

Annabel

With a few of my favorites! So thankful for these girls!

 My Mom- so glad she was able to come for the weekend. We laughed and laughed at Bryson and had such a good time.

Grandma pushing B on the swing.

 Luka

 Lili

This is what Bryson did every time I tried to get a good picture of him. Ugh!

 Maddie

They found a big turtle in the creek. They were so excited!

After we left the park we all went home and took naps. What a great way to spend a Friday. Can't wait to do it again!

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Quickly!

We planted our garden from the end of February through the middle of March, and have literally been watching it grow every single day. I am loving it! Bryson also loves to dig in the dirt- though he is mainly looking for worms to destroy (more on that later).

The weekend of the Armadillo Dash I accidentally forgot to close the gate. Turns out Jake loves the garden too! Our 100 pound dog trampled all through it. I had planted lettuce seeds and was terrified that they were probably destroyed. But, much to my amazement, a few days later we saw this:

 I was skeptical that it was even lettuce at first. Could I have really grown something- from a seed?? Jason quickly pointed out that weeds don't grow in a straight line. :) Guess he was right because we have lettuce! Lots of it!

Here is my first asparagus sighting on 3/12/12:

(Look hard- it is the little green thing poking up right in the middle!)

And here is our asparagus just three days later:

Growing. Overnight. EVERY night. CRAZY!

Here are a few others from March 15th as well:
Strawberries

Everything! We have asparagus, lettuce, jalapenos, squash, zucchini, broccoli, cucumber, cantaloupe, strawberries and tomatoes planted.

Lots of catching up to do...

Wow- I have blogged about a few things but have so much catching up to do! March has been really busy for us- but in a good way. We have been pretty good about saying "no" when we were too tired, and have somehow been able to balance things almost perfectly. It seems like we have had a great mix of rest, friends, relaxation, food, work, trips, visitors, and play.

It is probably going to take me a while to blog about it all, but here we go.

*****

Our church has been hosting Pinterest events for the ladies on Wednesday nights. Every Wednesday they pick a different theme and ask volunteers to bring certain items pertaining to that theme. For instance, the first week was all about cooking. They had several women in the church fix their favorite (and easiest) dishes, bring them as a sample, and bring recipe cards for everyone. We just walked around sampling all of the food. If we liked it, we took one of the recipe cards. So, it's like looking at a recipe board on Pinterest, but actually being able to taste the food, and then going home with the recipe in hand. I thought this was such a great idea!

A few weeks ago was the Easter Pinterest night. I volunteered to make the Easter Story Cookies. I had never made them before, but just thought that they looked cute on Pinterest (haha!).

The idea is that you tell the Easter story to your kids while you are making them, allowing them to help along the way. The oven is preheating while you are mixing everything together. Then, when they are ready to go into the oven you slide them in and let the kids put tape on the door so that they will know it has not been opened when they wake up in the morning (similar to the boulder being in front of Jesus' tomb). You turn the oven OFF, and leave them until morning. When the kids wake up you let them break the seal on the oven door and remove the cookies. When you bite into them, they will be hollow (empty)- just like the tomb on Easter morning!

Here is how they turned out:

They were really easy to make and turned out to actually taste good, too. Jason really loved them.

Here is the recipe just in case anyone is interested:

Easter Story Cookies

To be made the evening before Easter.

You will need:

1 cup whole pecans
1 tsp. vinegar
3 egg whites
pinch salt
1 cup sugar

zipper baggie
heavy wooden spoon
tape
A Bible

Preheat oven to 300 degrees. This is important! Don’t wait until you’re half done with the recipe!

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was beaten by the Roman soldiers.

Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.

Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us eternal life.

Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin.

Read Luke 23:27.

So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him.

Read Ps. 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.

Read Isa. 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid.

Read Matt. 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed.

Read Matt. 27:65-66.

NOW GO TO BED! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.

Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter, Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.

Read Matt. 28:1-9

Here are a few pictures of the other items that were there that night:

My front door wreath...

 Cupcakes!

While standing next to my cookies and explaining the recipe, I met a sweet lady who has walked to long road of adoption. We really just connected that evening, and are having lunch together next week. I can't wait to get to know her, and hear her story. It is so interesting to see who God is putting us in touch with. This is definitely a story that I couldn't have written! I am looking forward to seeing where He takes us.



Back to the Real World

I went back to work today. A lot of people can say speak those words very nonchalantly and move on with their story. For me, there is so much more to that sentence.  

I was at work when I got the call from Dr. Bertsch revealing Caroline's diagnosis. I will forever remember her words, and remember exactly how she said them. I can hear her. It is still as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, and I wonder if I will always be able to hear her speaking that devastating truth. I was in my office with the door closed, and I was so overcome with the moment that I just began to cry. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. A sweet friend came into my office and just held me in her arms, and I knew immediately that I had to leave. I had to get out of there and call Jason and tell him the news that would also devastate his world. I left in a commotion. I vaguely remember everyone in my office standing in a huddle, no one knowing what was wrong or what to say, as I rushed out the door. I actually never went back into that office during business hours. My boss (who is also an amazing friend) was gracious enough to let me work from home on my computer as we faced many long days in Houston and the upcoming surgery. She will never know the depth of that blessing.

I have always been taught that timing is everything. I now know better than ever before that this is the absolute truth. I also have been blessed to see God reveal Himself in His perfect timing over and over again over the last several months.

Two weeks ago I woke up and decided it was time to go back to work. Truthfully I didn't know if I would ever really be fully ready to take on the demands of a nursing job again. I did know though, that management was not in my near future. I let my boss know that I could no longer be the clinical director and that I could no longer work in the hospice field.

I remembered hearing about a new home health company and decided to see if they were hiring. I know of a few other really good companies in town, but I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to work somewhere where I didn't have to relive my story every time I talked to someone.

So, I sent in my resume and application. It turns out they were hiring- but only for a prn nurse (to work on an "as needed" basis). Turns out that was exactly what I was looking for. I want to work about three days per week and enjoy the rest of the week focusing completely on my family (and nothing to do with work!).

I went last Tuesday for an interview, got the job, had orientation all day Wednesday, and had training with another RN on Thursday. I officially went out on my own today.

I was nervous for today. Nervous for the emotions that I knew I would have to face in returning from maternity leave with no baby to show for it. Nervous for knowing how today would probably re-open my deep, deep wounds. But, even as I sit here and type these words, I am amazed (once again) at God's goodness. Have you ever had a day or a time where you could feel God with you? I felt that today. I mean, I REALLY felt Him.

This morning as I was taking Bryson to Erin's house I turned on KSBJ. Michelle Duggar and ANGIE SMITH who wrote the book "I Will Carry You" that I blogged about here were being interviewed. They were talking about losing babies and then Angie Smith's husband said a prayer for all of the parents who have faced this tremendous trial. I literally felt like his prayer was for me. Then they played the song and I felt an amazing sense of peace. A peace that I know only comes from Him.

I arrived at work and started my day by seeing two sweet little old ladies. I loved every second of it.

Then I started a new patient on our services and got to put my wound care certification to work. I have forgotten how much I love to be a nurse. I am so thankful for a profession that I am so passionate about.

My last stop of the day was probably my favorite. It involved starting an 80ish year old woman on our services. She was so sweet and insisted on showing me all of her pictures of her beautiful family. She told me not to come back on Thursday afternoon because she would be playing the piano for a social event with all of her friends. I told her that I had always wanted to learn how to play the piano (and don't really know why I decided to quit my lessons so long ago). She asked if I would like for her to play something before I left. Of course I took her up on it and it was literally one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. She played "Star Dust" and there was just something about it that evoked a very raw emotion within me. At that moment I stood there, behind her shoulder watching her crooked little fingers glide so elegantly over the keys, and just thanked God for placing me there. I thanked him for bringing me this far (there were definitely moments when I thought I might lie curled up in bed forever). It was a moment I will never forget.

Leaving her assisted living apartment, I checked my phone and read this text from a nurse that I have worked with a few times in the last year but have not spoken to since before finding out about Caroline's diagnosis:

"I am so sorry that I haven't made contact with you sooner. To be honest, I had no clue what to say. I know there is really nothing that can be said. I can not begin to imagine your pain. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I know that there isn't, but on the slim chance that there could be, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. You are a precious lady and I am truly so sorry for your pain. I couldn't stop thinking of you today and I felt God saying just at least make contact. I'm sorry it's like this. I don't know your email or your home address. I am thinking of you and I am asking God to fill the hole in your heart. Love, Tammy Steward"

Through my tears again I felt an overwhelming peace. It was if God was reaching out and truly holding me, giving me little assurances all throughout the day.

I will never forget this day. Although I know that this journey of healing is long from over, I feel that I took a huge step forward today. I faced my fear and let God hold me. And hold me He definitely did.
My Dad called to see how my day went. As I shared a few bits and pieces of this beautiful day, he told me to revel in it. I am reveling away!

I wanted to write this post so that I can look back and remember all the details. It is so awesome to know that God is in (even) my details.

(Scroll down to the bottom and press the "Pause" button to hear this beautiful song.)

.Words to Remember.

Tonight we were eating dinner and Bryson stuck something hot in his mouth. He was jumping around saying "It's hot! It's hot!" I told him to drink some milk and it would help. His response? "I think ice cream might help, too."

Tonight when I was tucking Bryson in and we were saying our prayers he said "...and thank you for when Santa Claus comes." I have NO idea where he got that, but definitely had to hold in my laugh. This kid comes up with the craziest things!

We are so thankful for the laughter he brings to our home. Love that boy!

After 3 Months...

Today marks the day that my sweet angel would have turned three months old. Three months! On one hand I can't believe it has almost been that long since I've held her and touched her sweet beautiful face, and on the other hand it seems like an eternity has passed.
These three months of grieving have been the hardest months I have faced. And yet in the midst of my struggling, I have such solid security in the fact that my Caroline is with her Creator, in his loving arms. I know that we will be with her again in the blink of an eye, and am so thankful that I have that to cling to.
We have good days and bad days. Lately the good are definitely outnumbering the bad. I have really started focusing on living in the moment. I am such a planner that sometimes I find it hard to just relax and enjoy what is going on at that very moment in time. It is so very easy to miss your life if you are always looking for what is next. This has been hard during this grieving stage because I so very badly want to mark this off of my list of things to do. But, in the midst of this very terrible pain, I have the most amazing husband and two year old to live this life with- and I can honestly say that I don't want to miss a minute of that precious gift.
I have written previously about a few of the books that I have been reading. Recently I read "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. The subtitle is "The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy." I cannot think of a better way to sum up what we have been through in these last three months. In her book, Angie says "Joy is not the absence of trouble but the presence of Christ." We have felt a peace that is unexplainable and know that the Lord has been very near to us even during all of our heartache.
My dive into book after book was first about looking for answers. I wanted to know why this happened to us. Why, when God was knitting my baby together in the womb, did her back not close all the way? Wasn't she supposed to be perfectly formed, according to His hand? I have read and read and read and searched and searched and searched. I am still somewhat searching, but I know that the truth is, I will not know in this lifetime.  In the same book by Angie Smith, she recalls a story that she read in another book ("The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom). She writes:

"Corrie recalls a moment when she asked her father something that was a little too mature for her understanding as far as he was concerned, and he responded with the following:

He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.

"Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.

I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

"It's too heavy," I said.

"Yes," he said. "And I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you."

And I was satisfied. More than satisfied- wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions- for now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping.

Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry the traveling case for us.

Our role is to trust it into His keeping.

I love that example and think of it often as I seek answers. I remind myself that He has got it all under control. This obviously isn't always easy, and yes, I still have days that are spent curled up in a fetal position. I know that this journey will never be easy. But lately, I have been given the truth of knowing that we will make it. Through all of the hurt and the doubt and the anxiety, we will see the other side.

"Daily I must remind myself that He is not threatened by my doubt nearly as much as He is glorified by my faith." (Angie Smith) We are definitely living on faith these days.

We have been surrounded by the most amazing friends and family. We decided to participate in the Armadillo Dash to raise money for The Spina Bifida Association. We set a goal of $2500- and we raised $5,325 plus anonymous donations! We more than doubled our goal! Our fundraising will help those who have spina bifida and also go towards raising awareness of this devastating disease. We were blown away by the generosity and love shown by those who have been involved in our story. What an amazing testimony of my sweet girl's life. (More to come on Team Caroline!).

I could go on and on and on and never say enough about how much I miss Caroline. It is a strange thing, to be a mother missing a baby more than you thought humanly possible. My peace is in knowing where she is. No doubts about that here.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

He who was seated on the throne said,

"I am making everything new!"

Then he said, "Write this down,

for these words are trustworthy and true."

Revelation 21:4-5

Just one more thing I wanted to share in closing. These are the words to "I Will Carry You." This is a song that was written by Angie's husband for their baby Audrey. He is a member of the group Selah. My sweet friend wrote out these words on a card and told me that we had loved Caroline so well. That was shortly after we lost her. I will treasure that card and the words from that friend until I am with Caroline again one day.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One

who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness but I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

and He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies

No more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One who's chosen me

To carry you

Peace and Blessings,

Courtney

It's Almost Here!!!

Good Morning!

The Armadillo Dash is right around the corner! I can't believe that in just 3 days we will all come together to honor our sweet Caroline. We have truly been overwhelmed and amazed with the support that we have received, and we want to say thank-you again to each of you. We are so blessed.

Saturday night Jason and I will be at the Koppe Bridge on Hwy. 30 (aka Harvey Road) from 6pm-9pm for anyone that wants to stop by, eat, and socialize! This restaurant is very casual- kids can run around and there is a lot of room. We are expecting people to come and go- but we would love to see everyone who is able to make it!

Here is the address: 3940 HARVEY ROAD - COLLEGE STATION (979) 776-2833.

Shirts will be available for pick-up at the restaurant.

Race packets are available for pick-up on Friday and Saturday from 10am-5pm at the Hyatt on University Dr. If anyone needs me to pick up their packet (you won't be in town during those hours, etc...), please email me and let me know. I will need either your confirmation email or registration number. I will be happy to do this for whoever needs it! Just let me know!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU for all of your donations and fundraising! We set a goal of $2,500 and as of this morning we are at $4,480! I know there are a few of you who are still going to donate and have donations to turn in- I am hoping to double our goal and reach the $5,000 mark. I am so proud of what we have come together to do, and the help that we are providing to others who suffer from this devastating disease. Have I mentioned that we have the most amazing friends and family? :) Thank you!

If you want to donate on-line (or know someone else who does), here is the link: http://tsb.kintera.org/faf/donorreg/donorpledge.asp?ievent=1010346&supId=349414200

Please feel free to pass it on!

Race Day Info:

Parking Information:

Arrive EARLY! Race start is 7am for the Half Marathon with the 5K to follow shortly thereafter. The ONLY entrance to Veterans Park open to vehicles will be at UNIVERSITY DRIVE. NO PARKING on Harvey Road as this is part of the course. Parking WILL BE available at Veterans. We have access to all of the parking lots as well as the grass lots. Our team of parking attendants will direct you on how to fill the parking lots. ADDITIONAL parking will be available at ReMax Realty THEN the Physician’s Centre, THEN Momentum Plaza. A shuttle will be available from the Physician’s Centre starting at 6am. Momentum Plaza parking/shuttle will only open if needed and at the discretion of the parking attendants.

We will meet at 6:30am for a group picture (I have emailed the race director to find out the best meeting place- I will let you know when I have an answer). PLEASE make every effort to be there, as this will be our only chance to have everyone together. I will cherish this picture, and the Spina Bifida Association wants it for their website as well!

 Wow- that is a lot of information! Please let me know if you have any questions and/or if you need me to pick up your race packet.

 We can't wait to see each of you!