After 3 Months...

Today marks the day that my sweet angel would have turned three months old. Three months! On one hand I can't believe it has almost been that long since I've held her and touched her sweet beautiful face, and on the other hand it seems like an eternity has passed.
These three months of grieving have been the hardest months I have faced. And yet in the midst of my struggling, I have such solid security in the fact that my Caroline is with her Creator, in his loving arms. I know that we will be with her again in the blink of an eye, and am so thankful that I have that to cling to.
We have good days and bad days. Lately the good are definitely outnumbering the bad. I have really started focusing on living in the moment. I am such a planner that sometimes I find it hard to just relax and enjoy what is going on at that very moment in time. It is so very easy to miss your life if you are always looking for what is next. This has been hard during this grieving stage because I so very badly want to mark this off of my list of things to do. But, in the midst of this very terrible pain, I have the most amazing husband and two year old to live this life with- and I can honestly say that I don't want to miss a minute of that precious gift.
I have written previously about a few of the books that I have been reading. Recently I read "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. The subtitle is "The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy." I cannot think of a better way to sum up what we have been through in these last three months. In her book, Angie says "Joy is not the absence of trouble but the presence of Christ." We have felt a peace that is unexplainable and know that the Lord has been very near to us even during all of our heartache.
My dive into book after book was first about looking for answers. I wanted to know why this happened to us. Why, when God was knitting my baby together in the womb, did her back not close all the way? Wasn't she supposed to be perfectly formed, according to His hand? I have read and read and read and searched and searched and searched. I am still somewhat searching, but I know that the truth is, I will not know in this lifetime.  In the same book by Angie Smith, she recalls a story that she read in another book ("The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom). She writes:

"Corrie recalls a moment when she asked her father something that was a little too mature for her understanding as far as he was concerned, and he responded with the following:

He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.

"Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.

I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

"It's too heavy," I said.

"Yes," he said. "And I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you."

And I was satisfied. More than satisfied- wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions- for now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping.

Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry the traveling case for us.

Our role is to trust it into His keeping.

I love that example and think of it often as I seek answers. I remind myself that He has got it all under control. This obviously isn't always easy, and yes, I still have days that are spent curled up in a fetal position. I know that this journey will never be easy. But lately, I have been given the truth of knowing that we will make it. Through all of the hurt and the doubt and the anxiety, we will see the other side.

"Daily I must remind myself that He is not threatened by my doubt nearly as much as He is glorified by my faith." (Angie Smith) We are definitely living on faith these days.

We have been surrounded by the most amazing friends and family. We decided to participate in the Armadillo Dash to raise money for The Spina Bifida Association. We set a goal of $2500- and we raised $5,325 plus anonymous donations! We more than doubled our goal! Our fundraising will help those who have spina bifida and also go towards raising awareness of this devastating disease. We were blown away by the generosity and love shown by those who have been involved in our story. What an amazing testimony of my sweet girl's life. (More to come on Team Caroline!).

I could go on and on and on and never say enough about how much I miss Caroline. It is a strange thing, to be a mother missing a baby more than you thought humanly possible. My peace is in knowing where she is. No doubts about that here.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

He who was seated on the throne said,

"I am making everything new!"

Then he said, "Write this down,

for these words are trustworthy and true."

Revelation 21:4-5

Just one more thing I wanted to share in closing. These are the words to "I Will Carry You." This is a song that was written by Angie's husband for their baby Audrey. He is a member of the group Selah. My sweet friend wrote out these words on a card and told me that we had loved Caroline so well. That was shortly after we lost her. I will treasure that card and the words from that friend until I am with Caroline again one day.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One

who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness but I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

and He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies

No more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One who's chosen me

To carry you

Peace and Blessings,

Courtney