Family Photo Shoot {2011}

Funny how things happen. We usually take family pictures every year before Christmas. This serves two purposes. 1) We have current pictures for Christmas cards. 2) We have current pictures! With a growing/changing family this is really important to me. This year I had decided against family pictures. I wanted to use a picture that I snapped of Bryson for our cards and wait until Caroline arrived to do her newborn and family photos all at once (in March).

When we received the Spina Bifida diagnosis everything about our lives changed. Soon after that I was scrolling through face book one night (avoiding sleeping) and saw some pictures that the lovely Mrs. Shannon Morton had taken of some sweet friends of ours. It hit me! We had to take pictures- and I wanted them taken before Caroline arrived. Sort of like our last family photo as a family of three. For some reason this became very important to me.

I notified Shannon, telling her my story. I prayed and crossed my fingers that she would be able to fit us in- we didn't give her any notice at all!

She was amazing and really worked to make sure this happened for us. One day we were scheduled and had to reschedule due to freezing rain. We finally were set to take pictures the Saturday before I had surgery. I was so panicked trying to get everything done before heading to the hospital that the pictures were on the bottom of my priority list. My brain was all over the place. We didn't have anything to wear. Nothing matched. Nothing was right!

I almost cancelled three times in the two days before the pictures. I even told Jason once that I was about to call Shannon and cancel!

Well, THANK GOD I didn't cancel. I am wearing a shirt that isn't even maternity and Bryson's torso was too long for his shirt- causing it to stay untucked for most of the session.

But--- I love these pictures.

Caroline was there. We were actually a family of four. The pictures were easy. Shannon was great. Here are a few of my favorites...



happy MLK day!

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

Here we go again...

I was just telling a friend how great Bryson has done since having tubes put in his ears last May. I bragged that we haven't even been to the doctor since then! That was definitely some sort of record for us! Said bragging took place on Friday. And notice I said that WAS a record for us...

Saturday night Bryson was a little bit fussy. No fever. Just fussy. I honestly blamed it on the Terrible Two's. That night, at about 4:45am (early Saturday morning) B started screaming and crying. I ran into his room. By the time I got in there he had stopped crying. He was still kind of asleep but partially awake, lying sideways on his bed. I went to move him back to the top of the bed onto his pillow when I felt something wet on the bed. I just thought it was drool or something (don't judge- it was 4am!).

I laid with him for a while. He was tossing and turning so I finally made him some milk. He drank it and went back to sleep.

When he woke up that morning his ear was full of dried blood and there was blood all over the bed. So what I was feeling at 4am was actually blood.

We took him into urgent care. I knew what the outcome would probably be.

The verdict was in. His right ear has a horrible infection and had ruptured during the night. The tube is completely gone. The left ear still has a tube but it is working its way out of the ear drum and is no longer functioning to allow fluid through (the eardrum is already closed up behind it).

A prescription for antibiotics and we were out of there! Bryson had a wonderful time. He has since told everyone about going to the doctor and has asked me several times to go back. Crazy kid!

The silver lining is that he has acted find the whole time. We were remembering the days when ear infections meant 104-105 degree temperatures and a sick, sick baby. We do not miss those days one bit.

We will follow up with the pediatrician in a few weeks to see if the infection has cleared. Looks like we may be heading for round two of tubes (especially if the right tube just fell out and he already has an infection!). We are definitely refusing to ride this roller coaster for as long as we did last time...

After One Month...

Yesterday would have marked the day that Caroline turned one month old. It seems like the last month has passed in the blink of an eye, yet has also lasted an eternity. I have been reading a book on hope for the grieving, and it has been really good. I have so much to share that is just fluttering around inside of my head right now. I have sat down several times to write about things, about how I feel about all that has gone, but the words just won't come. I am still at a point where I can't put it all together. I am trying to make sense of it all. Don't get me wrong. To me, this will never make sense. I don't understand it and I won't pretend to. But, I am working through it. I am working through the emotions and the questions in my head. I can only think about it for a little while at a time, and then have to try to turn my mind to something else.

Time.

This is just one of those things that is going to take time. I have to actually feel my way through this and I have never been one for sitting around and waiting on anything. This is all very new to me. One of the things that has really caught me by surprise is how tired I am all of the time. I have recently been reading that grief takes a huge physical toll and requires a lot of rest. As a nurse I have always known this- but now I really know it. So, I am recovering from major surgery and at the same time trying to sort through my daughter's death and the circumstances that lead up to it.

Time.

Lots of time and love. That's what it's going to take.

Speaking of love- we have amazing people surrounding us who love us on the good days and the bad days. For that, I will be forever grateful. I feel like I have said that 1800 times, but I've meant it every. single. time. We would not be healing like we are without the love and support that we have been shown. In that, we are so truly blessed.

So, as I sit here trying to wrangle all of these thoughts in my head, there are a few things I do know.

I know that we miss our Caroline deeply. That she touched us in a way that only a child can and that she will forever be a part of our family.

I know that all things pointed towards having surgery, and that God's hand was involved in every step of our journey (and believe me I WILL be talking to him about that one day!).

I know that we are loved and blessed beyond measure with the family and friends who have held us up over these last several months.

So, we are slowly but surely making some progress. We still have good days and bad. I am still working on actually feeling my way through the grief instead of checking it off of my to-do list like I do most things in life. God is showing me so much through this.

Although I can't make sense of it all, I have a strange peace in the fact that I know I don't have to understand it all. I know that God has got me through all of this, holding tightly, even when I don't know what to say to Him. This is a place I never even knew existed. Although I wish I was still in that state of blissful ignorance, I am so thankful for a God who has it all under control.

I'm thankful for this peace that I have, that only He can give. I have met several people along this journey who really do not get that.

We know that we will see our little girl again one day.

We are so thankful for the promise that we have in that.

Team Caroline

I have some exciting news! We are raising funds for the Spina Bifida Association in honor and memory of our sweet Caroline.

In order to do this, we are participating in the Armadillo Dash in College Station on Sunday, March 4th. There is a 5k and a half marathon that anyone can compete in (I will be WALKING the 5k!). We will be Team Caroline, proudly sporting shirts that The Ground Crew, LLC has graciously offered to provide. To sign up to participate in one of the races, please visit this website. There is a small fee to sign up, and this money will help local children's charities. We will be raising money above and beyond that.

So, there are two ways to get involved: participate and/or donate! Several people have already committed to participating and will be asking friends/family to sponsor their participation with donations. If you can't make it to the event but would still like to participate, please consider sending a donation in Caroline's honor.

All donations can be sent to me (3912 Latinne Lane, College Station, TX 77845) and checks can be made out to the Spina Bifida Association. You can find their website here.

Our goal is to raise $2500 (with hopes of blowing past this number!). This money will help raise awareness and hopefully prevent future cases of spina bifida. It will also go towards helping people currently living in the United States with this devastating disease. If we can help just one family to avoid having to go through what we went through, it will all be worth it.

Please join our cause and support Team Caroline!

We are so thankful for each of you and looking forward to seeing what we can do!

Courtney and Jason

**We are hoping to have a BIG team on race day! Please let me know if you plan to participate and what size shirt(s) you will need so that we can get them ordered ASAP!

**Please also feel free to spread the word by passing this information on to your friends/family! We can't wait to see what we can do and the impact that we can make!

Living Intentionally

I wandered over to this blog and found this:

I love it! I think I might print it out and post it somewhere where I will see it all the time. Such a great reminder of the importance of living intentionally and making the most of 2012. 

This verse has really been on my heart lately. It was read at Caroline's service and I think it sums up where we are right now, at the start of this new year.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

New Year = Fresh Clean Slate

What will you do with it?

Hello 2012...