After One Month...

Yesterday would have marked the day that Caroline turned one month old. It seems like the last month has passed in the blink of an eye, yet has also lasted an eternity. I have been reading a book on hope for the grieving, and it has been really good. I have so much to share that is just fluttering around inside of my head right now. I have sat down several times to write about things, about how I feel about all that has gone, but the words just won't come. I am still at a point where I can't put it all together. I am trying to make sense of it all. Don't get me wrong. To me, this will never make sense. I don't understand it and I won't pretend to. But, I am working through it. I am working through the emotions and the questions in my head. I can only think about it for a little while at a time, and then have to try to turn my mind to something else.

Time.

This is just one of those things that is going to take time. I have to actually feel my way through this and I have never been one for sitting around and waiting on anything. This is all very new to me. One of the things that has really caught me by surprise is how tired I am all of the time. I have recently been reading that grief takes a huge physical toll and requires a lot of rest. As a nurse I have always known this- but now I really know it. So, I am recovering from major surgery and at the same time trying to sort through my daughter's death and the circumstances that lead up to it.

Time.

Lots of time and love. That's what it's going to take.

Speaking of love- we have amazing people surrounding us who love us on the good days and the bad days. For that, I will be forever grateful. I feel like I have said that 1800 times, but I've meant it every. single. time. We would not be healing like we are without the love and support that we have been shown. In that, we are so truly blessed.

So, as I sit here trying to wrangle all of these thoughts in my head, there are a few things I do know.

I know that we miss our Caroline deeply. That she touched us in a way that only a child can and that she will forever be a part of our family.

I know that all things pointed towards having surgery, and that God's hand was involved in every step of our journey (and believe me I WILL be talking to him about that one day!).

I know that we are loved and blessed beyond measure with the family and friends who have held us up over these last several months.

So, we are slowly but surely making some progress. We still have good days and bad. I am still working on actually feeling my way through the grief instead of checking it off of my to-do list like I do most things in life. God is showing me so much through this.

Although I can't make sense of it all, I have a strange peace in the fact that I know I don't have to understand it all. I know that God has got me through all of this, holding tightly, even when I don't know what to say to Him. This is a place I never even knew existed. Although I wish I was still in that state of blissful ignorance, I am so thankful for a God who has it all under control.

I'm thankful for this peace that I have, that only He can give. I have met several people along this journey who really do not get that.

We know that we will see our little girl again one day.

We are so thankful for the promise that we have in that.