D-Day

April 3. I'm not sure how it snuck up on me so quickly. Today is the day I was originally given as a due date when I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Caroline. Of course, I know that if the surgery had been successful I would have been fortunate to carry her to the 30 week mark, which would have been in February; and if she would not have had spina bifida I would have probably delivered about a week ago via c-section. That means I would have just been home for a few days now and that we would probably just be getting settled in as a family of four.

I am surrounded by babies and pregnancy. The two other girls in my home church (we were all due within one month of each other) have both had their beautiful baby girls. One night I held one of them (her name is Courtney), for a long time during a girls' night while we watched a movie. She was so tiny and precious, and smelled of that perfect baby smell. It was such a bittersweet time for me. I soaked up every moment of it, and tried not to show the true awkwardness that I felt. My closest friends felt it too, or at least wondered, and asked me later, what I was thinking. In truth, I don't know exactly what I was thinking. I think that the Lord gave me that time with baby Courtney as a time of healing. I was in such a safe environment and knew that even if I did burst into tears it would be okay. But no tears came. It was just a tiny bit of sorrow mixed with a whole lot of joy. Funny how those two keep coming together.

Now two other home church friends have joined the pregnant group. I can honestly (and thankfully) say that I am loving walking this journey with each of them. I know that the prayers of other have played a big role in that. God has provided what we have needed EVERY. STEP. OF. THE. WAY. There is no other explanation for the way things have turned out. We will always give Him the glory in that.

Please continue to pray for us as we walk in the days ahead. We have some tough decisions to make but I know that all will end well. For now, we are focusing on the journey itself, knowing that God is with us as we walk each and every step.

With all that I am and all that I have I wish that my sweet girl was here tonight. I wish that I was exhausted from taking care of a fussy baby and that my sink was full of bottles and breast pump equipment. But, in the end, I know this life is short. I know that we will be with Caroline for eternity and that provides a peace that may even sound foolish to some. This peace is truly a gift.

And last but not least- tonight as I was tucking Bryson into bed he asked for his Caroline bear (he sleeps with it every night). He said "Baby Caroline's with Jesus. Is she crying?" I think he automatically associates babies with crying. I told him that there is no crying when we go to be with Jesus. I told him that Caroline is healthy and so happy, and can't wait to see her big brother Bryson one day. Then Bryson said, "That's right, there's no crying with Jesus."

What a sweet reminder from my sweet boy.