Where to begin???

I have so much on my mind, and such a heavy heart this morning. I have been dreading writing this post, mainly because I don't know where to begin. But, I want to continue to document our daily lives, like I have since we were blessed with our sweet baby boy over two years ago. So, here I am, trying to take the first step, praying that it will get easier as we go.

*****

Last Wednesday, November 9th, we had our big ultrasound at Scott and White. During the exam Jason and I were so nervous, wondering if we would be adding another rambunctious boy to our crew or a sweet little girl. Jason really wanted a girl, and I asked him while we were in the waiting room if he was going to be disappointed if it was a boy. He said that he definitely wouldn't be disappointed, but that his main wish was for a CALM baby. We laughed and were soon called in to the room. The sonographer took a few looks and then it was time to reveal the gender. Jason and I were looking and looking, and I thought it looked like a girl, but was a little nervous to say it. Jason said "It's maybe a boy..." and Becky, the sonographer said "...or a _________." We knew right then it was a girl! I was a little bit in shock and asked her to check again just to make sure.

We were both smiling from ear to ear after that point. The sonographer continued to take the usual pictures. Being in the medical field I can distinguish certain things on an ultrasound that maybe a non-medical person would not be able to. After a while Becky said that she was going to have to call in one of her colleagues to get a few different shots of the heart. She said that Scott and White had initiated new protocol with new pictures of the heart, and that she wasn't great at getting them unless the baby was in the perfect position. She said this colleague of hers had been working at the S&W in Temple and was used to taking these certain pictures.

So, she stepped out and I asked Jason if he thought anything was wrong. He said no, and I went to the bathroom (finally- my bladder was about to pop!).

The next sonographer came in and immediately started looking at the baby's brain/head. I commented that I thought she should be looking at the heart. She said she couldn't do an ultrasound without taking a peek at the whole baby. She then proceeded to spend most of the time on the spine. Again I said that she was making me nervous and she said that the doctor would discuss everything she was looking at, reminding me that she couldn't tell us anything. She was pretty good at joking and acting normal, but deep down I knew something was wrong. On a lighter note- when she was trying to get these certain shots of the heart (which I think she probably really did need to get), the baby kept moving and was not cooperating. She said "This baby is FAST!" Jason just rolled his eyes as the prospect of a calm child was squashed. She also said that everyone always says the baby is sucking their thumb but they never really are. She said in her 20 years of performing sonograms she had only seen 2 babies actually sucking their thumbs- and our baby was number 3!

After she was finished she said she needed to get the first sonographer back in the room to print out our pictures and make our DVD. We were waiting in the waiting room and the second sonographer brought everything out to us.

We left, over the moon about our little girl, but with a little nagging feeling of gloom over what they weren't telling us. Jason kept assuring me that everything would be fine. We told our friends and family the good news- a sweet little girl would be joining our family!

*****

That afternoon when I picked up Bryson I told him that he was going to have a baby sister. His response?

"I want a brudder!"

He had been saying that all along, but I didn't really know if he was just picking a word that we had said (brother/sister), or knew what he was talking about.

He seemed excited about the baby and I was just so excited to have two babies to love on and call our own.

*****

That night Jason and I didn't say a lot- I think we were both in shock to be having a girl. He kept asking me if it had sank in yet. It hadn't.

It was so great to know that this baby was a girl. To know that we could now pick a name. It just made everything so much more real. It made the sickness and sadness that we had endured up to that point completely worth it.

Even though we were both still a little bit worried about the results of the ultrasound, I slept pretty sweetly that night.

A boy and a girl...