Back to the Real World

I went back to work today. A lot of people can say speak those words very nonchalantly and move on with their story. For me, there is so much more to that sentence.  

I was at work when I got the call from Dr. Bertsch revealing Caroline's diagnosis. I will forever remember her words, and remember exactly how she said them. I can hear her. It is still as fresh as if it just happened yesterday, and I wonder if I will always be able to hear her speaking that devastating truth. I was in my office with the door closed, and I was so overcome with the moment that I just began to cry. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. A sweet friend came into my office and just held me in her arms, and I knew immediately that I had to leave. I had to get out of there and call Jason and tell him the news that would also devastate his world. I left in a commotion. I vaguely remember everyone in my office standing in a huddle, no one knowing what was wrong or what to say, as I rushed out the door. I actually never went back into that office during business hours. My boss (who is also an amazing friend) was gracious enough to let me work from home on my computer as we faced many long days in Houston and the upcoming surgery. She will never know the depth of that blessing.

I have always been taught that timing is everything. I now know better than ever before that this is the absolute truth. I also have been blessed to see God reveal Himself in His perfect timing over and over again over the last several months.

Two weeks ago I woke up and decided it was time to go back to work. Truthfully I didn't know if I would ever really be fully ready to take on the demands of a nursing job again. I did know though, that management was not in my near future. I let my boss know that I could no longer be the clinical director and that I could no longer work in the hospice field.

I remembered hearing about a new home health company and decided to see if they were hiring. I know of a few other really good companies in town, but I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to work somewhere where I didn't have to relive my story every time I talked to someone.

So, I sent in my resume and application. It turns out they were hiring- but only for a prn nurse (to work on an "as needed" basis). Turns out that was exactly what I was looking for. I want to work about three days per week and enjoy the rest of the week focusing completely on my family (and nothing to do with work!).

I went last Tuesday for an interview, got the job, had orientation all day Wednesday, and had training with another RN on Thursday. I officially went out on my own today.

I was nervous for today. Nervous for the emotions that I knew I would have to face in returning from maternity leave with no baby to show for it. Nervous for knowing how today would probably re-open my deep, deep wounds. But, even as I sit here and type these words, I am amazed (once again) at God's goodness. Have you ever had a day or a time where you could feel God with you? I felt that today. I mean, I REALLY felt Him.

This morning as I was taking Bryson to Erin's house I turned on KSBJ. Michelle Duggar and ANGIE SMITH who wrote the book "I Will Carry You" that I blogged about here were being interviewed. They were talking about losing babies and then Angie Smith's husband said a prayer for all of the parents who have faced this tremendous trial. I literally felt like his prayer was for me. Then they played the song and I felt an amazing sense of peace. A peace that I know only comes from Him.

I arrived at work and started my day by seeing two sweet little old ladies. I loved every second of it.

Then I started a new patient on our services and got to put my wound care certification to work. I have forgotten how much I love to be a nurse. I am so thankful for a profession that I am so passionate about.

My last stop of the day was probably my favorite. It involved starting an 80ish year old woman on our services. She was so sweet and insisted on showing me all of her pictures of her beautiful family. She told me not to come back on Thursday afternoon because she would be playing the piano for a social event with all of her friends. I told her that I had always wanted to learn how to play the piano (and don't really know why I decided to quit my lessons so long ago). She asked if I would like for her to play something before I left. Of course I took her up on it and it was literally one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. She played "Star Dust" and there was just something about it that evoked a very raw emotion within me. At that moment I stood there, behind her shoulder watching her crooked little fingers glide so elegantly over the keys, and just thanked God for placing me there. I thanked him for bringing me this far (there were definitely moments when I thought I might lie curled up in bed forever). It was a moment I will never forget.

Leaving her assisted living apartment, I checked my phone and read this text from a nurse that I have worked with a few times in the last year but have not spoken to since before finding out about Caroline's diagnosis:

"I am so sorry that I haven't made contact with you sooner. To be honest, I had no clue what to say. I know there is really nothing that can be said. I can not begin to imagine your pain. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I know that there isn't, but on the slim chance that there could be, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. You are a precious lady and I am truly so sorry for your pain. I couldn't stop thinking of you today and I felt God saying just at least make contact. I'm sorry it's like this. I don't know your email or your home address. I am thinking of you and I am asking God to fill the hole in your heart. Love, Tammy Steward"

Through my tears again I felt an overwhelming peace. It was if God was reaching out and truly holding me, giving me little assurances all throughout the day.

I will never forget this day. Although I know that this journey of healing is long from over, I feel that I took a huge step forward today. I faced my fear and let God hold me. And hold me He definitely did.
My Dad called to see how my day went. As I shared a few bits and pieces of this beautiful day, he told me to revel in it. I am reveling away!

I wanted to write this post so that I can look back and remember all the details. It is so awesome to know that God is in (even) my details.

(Scroll down to the bottom and press the "Pause" button to hear this beautiful song.)