A Day of Remembrance

 Tuesday, December 20th, was the day that we laid my sweet Caroline to rest. We had a beautiful graveside service for the family in Lockhart, TX. My sweet Caroline was buried right in between my grandparents, my Grandma and my PawPaw Shirley. What a sweet significance that was for me, knowing that she is with them in Heaven as well.

Driving up to the cemetery was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. So many loved ones there to support us, and to face. And such a teeny tiny beautiful white casket waiting for us. There is such a finality in all of it. A knowing that we will never get to see our precious baby girl do all of the things that daughters do. At one point I think I was actually being physically held up.

My parents' preacher spoke beautiful words in regard to Caroline's life and the fact that we will one day be with her again. We were embraced by family members and friends who, for all other purposes, are our family as well.

We clung to each other, and clung to the promise of being with our baby girl once again.

It was hard for me to leave the cemetery. But it was also good. We went to eat lunch at a barbecue restaurant that both of my grandfathers used to frequent daily for coffee. They were part of the crew there. I have been eating there for as long as I can remember. We know the owners. Being there gave me a strange sense of peace. We also had some laughs with my family and Jason's family all eating together. That laughter was good for my soul.

The drive back to College Station was hard. I felt like I still had a ton of weight on my shoulders, dreading the service that evening. Jason and I both had not been returning phone calls or emails, just finding that we were not really ready to face everyone yet.
I can't describe all of the emotions that I felt that day. Fear. Pain. Exhaustion. Relief. Joy. Intense sadness.

I have thought about it a lot and decided that, although I hate the thought of time passing, it can be a gift as well. I was dreading the service that night more than I've dreaded anything in my life, but I knew that we needed to do it. Dreading it and looking forward to it. I guess it makes no sense unless you've been there.

We only had about an hour at home until we had to head to the church. Jason and I had gone and ordered a flower arrangement for the sign-in table, not realizing that people would send flowers. The table ended up being absolutely beautiful. We included a minky rabbit embroidered with Caroline's name, the moulds of Caroline's hand and foot that Texas Children's Hospital gave to us, and a sweet little blanket also embroidered with Caroline Grace's name.

Our preacher did an amazing job of putting everything together, with the majority of his staff being out on vacation. The programs were perfect. The music was exactly what we asked for. The church provided a meal for us prior to the service. Our church was truly Christ extended to us during this most difficult time. We will be forever grateful for the attention to detail that was shown to ensure that our Caroline's memorial service was perfect.

We were escorted into the church by our preacher. The walk to the front pew was the longest walk of my life. I couldn't even see through the tears, and once again my sweet husband practically carried me down that aisle.

We sang. We prayed. Jenny and Kristin read scriptures that we had picked out. Brother David delivered a beautiful message about the hope we have in being with our daughter again one day.

One thing that he said that really struck me was that Caroline is celebrating her first Christmas in Heaven. Can you imagine? Our sweet baby is celebrating with THE baby, the one who came to earth all those years ago to save us. What a thought. I can hardly wrap my mind around it.

After the service we were again escorted out where we received everyone in a line. We cried and hugged and cried some more. We are continually amazed at the love and support offered by our friends and family, and by those we don't even know. Some people traveled several hours to be with us that night. Angel, my nurse from the maternal fetal center, even came. We truly felt loved on that night.

After it was all said and done we came home to a house FULL of flowers. My feet hurt and my abdomen was really swollen (especially around my incision). Our hearts, though, were a little lighter. Our Caroline, though she was only with us a few days, had a profound impact on many. She will forever be a part of us, a huge part of our family. We are leaning on the promise of being with her again one day.