One of my sweet friends put a word to it tonight. A word to what I've been feeling. Drowning. Like I can't catch my breath. I can't make it up for air. I can see the world spin on around me. People celebrating Christmas and enjoying their time together. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and not come out.
This incision is getting to me. Physically I feel as though I am able to do more. I want and I need to do more. Yesterday my Mom and I walked through Target, and when I got home I was swollen and hurting. To bed I was sent. And I know that's where I needed to be. Usually when you have an incision of this sort, a recovery of this sort, you are taking care of a sweet new baby. So, whenever you can you jump at the chance to fall into bed and enter into those deep sleeps that you know will be interrupted in 2-3 hours. For me, that sleep doesn't come so easily. I have tons of books and projects that I had planned for my stay in the hospital and at the Ronald McDonald house, but I just don't have any interest in any of it.
Drowning. Last night I went on a rampage. Through my tears I threw away 99% of the flowers that were in my house. They were beautiful and the people who sent them were so thoughtful. But our house looked like a funeral home, and I just couldn't take it anymore. It was too much. My mom helped as the beautiful blooms were smashed into the trashcan. I did keep a few small arrangements. The ones that didn't look so funeral home-ish.
Today we took apart Caroline's nursery. Her furniture went into storage. I had several mega breakdowns over this (and maybe one in front of our sweet friend who was helping Jason do the actual moving). It's just unthinkable to me. Here we had this beautiful nursery, {almost} all ready for our sweet girl to move into, to make her own. Bryson still calls it Caroline's room. Breaks my heart. But I know that I can't keep it like that. I know that in order for healing to begin this had to be done.
So here we are tonight. Funny but I actually feel a little bit better just knowing that someone gets that I'm feeling like I'm drowning right now. I know that at some point I will begin to take breaths, slowly but surely, and hopefully in time that feeling will go away. Until then I am still clinging to the promise of being with my baby again one day. I am clinging to my husband, who has been my rock through all of this. I am clinging to the One who chose me to be Caroline's mommy.
it's a perfect description. it's not perfect to feel that way when you just want to be okay, but being at the bottom means that from there you can only rise to the top now. those words were spoken to me recently and i clung to the fact that i can only get better. you have such an amazing support system and they'll only allow you to rise. i wish there was more i could do for you myself! and i certainly miss your smiling face and bryson's big hugs. take care of yourself!!! that's what's most important.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you're feeling, but I love youbso much. Praying for you and can't wait to see you soon.
ReplyDeleteThis breaks my heart into pieces, I so wish this wasn't your circumstance! Please know that while yes, Christmas festivities are going on, and it may seem like you and Jason are isolated in this situation, you are not! We are still thinking about you every minute of every day! Praying for healing and comfort. Love you!!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you, Courtney. And for Jason. I wish I could give you the breath you need, but I can't. I'm so sorry you have to go through this grief. You are in our thoughts and prayers constantly. We love you all so much.
ReplyDeleteI wish so badly I could take away the hurt for you, but I know that is impossible. Just know that there are so many of us out here that would if we just could. We love you all so much. Just cling to that fact and know that you WILL GET THROUGH THIS WITH GOD'S LOVE AND GRACE. Hold on to each other and time will heal. Aunt Kathy
ReplyDelete